HAIRBALL-WALL? (A Different Sort of Hunger)

"How long will we fill our pockets ~ like children~ with dirt and stones?  Let the world go.  Holding it, we never know ourselves, never are airborne." ~ Rumi

In tenth grade, I was addicted to Pink Floyd's THE WALL.  Today I found myself watching the movie.

The reason I always loved such a depressing film was because I could relate to the pain/the wall/whatever you want to label it.  It makes me feel that I am not alone.  That others have been where I've been.  Apparently I'm not the only person who has felt this way; THE WALL placed 87^th on the list of 500 greatest albums of all times.

What shall we use to fill the empty spaces
Where waves of hunger roar?
Shall we set out across this sea of faces
In search of more applause?
What Shall we do Now?
Shall we buy a new guitar?
Shall we drive a more powerful car?
Shall we work straight through the night?
Shall we get into fights?
Leave the lights on?
Drop bombs?
Do tours of the east?
Contract disease?
Bury bones?
Break up homes?
Send flowers by phone?
Take to drink?
Go to shrinks?
Give up meat?
Rarely sleep?
Keep people as pets?
Train dogs?
Raise rats?
Fill the attic with cash?
Bury treasure?
Store up leisure?
But never relax at all
With our backs to the wall . . .

At the risk of sounding pitiful, I have a whole lot of empty spaces where hunger roars.  (I can say this, knowing I am not the only one.)  Hunger?  Roars?  There are millions of ways we can hunger and millions of things for which we hunger.  We may hunger for wealth (or at least enough to get by!); for relationship; for children . . .  I once hungered for security in marriage, only to find it was completely elusive to me.  Just not in my cards.  So ~ I stopped trying to fill that empty place.

There are other empty places which are not nearly as easy for me to ignore.  I feel a hunger for acceptance ~ but only from certain people; wouldn't you know it, the hunger is for the exact people who refuse to give me approval.  Today a Buddhist friend said to me, "Sad how we waste our lives pursuing the things that destroy us."  How could running after acceptance destroy me? 

Author Gordon McKenzie (in his excellent book ORBITING THE GIANT HAIRBALL) mentions those of us (most of us!) who think if we just make enough A+'s, we'll win approval.  McKenzie mentions the impossibility of this.  We can never make enough A+'s to be good enough, lovable enough, funny enough, kind enough, (fill in the blank) enough.  Perfection is a myth.  An illusion.  A shadow cast by shame.

Sure ~ we all know that.  Or do we?

My family is so dysfunctional, we make the Marquis de Sade seem like a joy ride.  In dysfunction, there are "roles" people are forced into, roles to which we become habituated.  I was the straight A+ student who eventually graduated valedictorian, made the dean's list, did nothing much with my life.  (I've since realized I'd rather be "the girl who almost died" than "the girl who almost lived."  Thanks to Buddhist writer, Sharon Salzberg, for that idea.)

My father was always placed in the role of "Bad Guy."  We each gravitated around him, fulfilling our own roles ~ effortlessly . . . or was it?  Stress disorders and auto-immune diseases run in the family. Coincidence?  I doubt it.

Once my father vacated his role in death, the family scrambled to replace him.  I got caught in the crossfire ~ and I am now Public Enemy Number One.  My entire slate of A+'s was instantly erased!

I've spent my life trying to be good enough to be loved, only to find there are some people who will simply never accept me.  Why?  Well, they too have their perfection myths.  About me; about the world; about themselves.  We just don't seem to escape this life without shame and blame (most of us). Two rhyming words: nasty breeders of the perfection myth.

McKenzie tells a story about a dog in a pool hall; a dog he thought was stuffed because it was not moving.  After several minutes, he saw the tail wag and had to go investigate.  The dog had caught a pool ball which had been holed.  The dog's snout was caught in the hole ~ but he would not let go.  McKenzie pointed this out to regulars, who said, "He does that all the time.  He just wants someone to play with him."

McKenzie went away feeling sad for the dog.  He also went away with an important lesson:  "If we don't let go, we make prisoners of ourselves."

What do you need to let go of today?  How about me?  What should I release?  In school, I would get extremely disappointed ~ upset with myself ~ if I made below a 98 on anything.  That's a really high standard to hold oneself to.  Sometimes we hold others up against that same high standard.

I'm learning to let go of my "need" to be an A+ student ~ and just live!  (Easier said than done!!!)  Please feel free to share some of your experiences with me.

The Legend of the Thornbird as told by Bridget Reilly-Long:

There is a legend about a bird which sings just once in its life, more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth. From the moment it leaves the nest it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it has found one. Then singing among the savage branches, it impales itself on the largest, sharpest spine.  And, dying, it rises above its own agony to out-carol the lark and the nightingale.   One superlative song; existence the price. But the whole world stops to listen and god in his heaven smiles. For the best is only bought at the cost of great pain.  Or so the legend says.

DON'T BE A THORNBIRD!

RECOMMENDED PURCHASES

Orbiting the Giant Hairball by Gordon McKenzie ~ McKenzie, it would appear, worked three decades as a round peg in a square hole.  He is your quintessential hippie/artist, who worked for Hallmark cards.  The "hairball" to which he refers is the corporate boxes artists are supposed to be placed in.  Well, being the hippie/artist that he is, I'm sure you can imagine, McKenzie refused to conform.  This is a delightful book full of random art, humor and depth.  Although food is not mentioned in this book, it is the book I happened to read this last Sunday.  Because of this, I will share with you some of the foods I created this weekend whilst reading said-book.

Chiropdong Asian Dumplings:  I prefer veggie or leek, but any flavor gets my endorsement!  So much to do with these things!  Yum!  (Found in the freezer section of most Asian markets.)

The Wall, Pink Floyd ~ this album (released in 1979 and which I once owned as a cassette tape) is now available on CD; the movie is available on DVD!  The story goes that Roger Waters wrote THE WALL after fellow band-mate (Syd Barrett) went loopy.  Others say Waters wrote it about himself.  At any rate, it is a concept rock opera dealing with isolation and abuse, ending with the tearing down of the metaphorical wall.

RECIPES

Asian Dumpling Soup

Approx. 1/2 # prepared dumplings

1/4 cup Tamari

2 cups water

1 cup veggie or chicken stock

1 cup dehydrated black fungus or diced mushrooms of your choosing

1 garlic clove, diced

1/4 head of Korean cabbage, cut into bite-sized pieces

Seaweed, julienned (optional)

Prepare dumplings according to package specifications.  (Warning: don't cover the dumplings completely when you steam them.  Too much water and your dumplings will fall apart.)  Mix water, stock, garlic, cabbage and Tamari in a soup pot.  Once warmed and boiling, lower heat to medium and add dumplings, fungus/mushrooms and seaweed, if you wish.  Warm thoroughly.  (The seaweed doesn't add a great deal of taste, but is very good for your heart, brain, joints and nerves and is an excellent antioxidant.)

Fig Appetizers

1# fresh figs

1/2 # cream cheese

Kosher salt

Place figs on a cookie sheet and place a pat of cream cheese (approximately 1 1/2 tsp) on each fig.  Sprinkle with kosher salt.  Bake at 350° for 9 minutes.  Eat before they cool entirely.  These can be stored in the fridge and microwaved for about 35 seconds.  (But they're best fresh out of the oven!)

Italian Asparagus

1/2 bottle Italian vinaigrette

1# asparagus, thoroughly cleaned, tough ends cut off

1/4 cup water

1 TBS sesame oil

Sea salt, to taste

Mix all ingredients in a frying pan and steam just until color begins to alter. 

                                                           Bridget Reilly-Long and me